Mutation 49: Will the Real Maximum Evil Please Get Lost

by Steve

Mission 00082-A
Divergence from Prime: -311
Divergence ID: StarFire-1a-a
Comments: Divergence appears be a divergence from a divergence, which originated from an alternate future of the StarFire timeline, itself an alternate future of the sealed HellCraft timeline.
Threat to Continuity: Extreme-Plus. Top Priority.
Location: Tristram
Local Date: Irrelevant
Scanning........

> Adult Steve said, "Good. I think the temporal backlash is about to
> catch up with me. Now remember when you get back, don't bring your AD&D
> books to school, girls don't like...."

He paused. "Wait a second. Didn't you just get killed?"

"I got better," said Teenaged Steve.

"Don't try to pull that Monty Python crap on me," snapped Adult Steve. "There won't even be a temporal backlash unless you die."

"Well, that's a good thing, isn't it?"

"Not in this case. Somebody's screwing with the Continuity. All we can do is ride it out."

> Adult Steve slapped Young Steve across the head and said, "Listen to
> me damn it! Get laid or forever regret your virginity."
> Suddenly a voice said, "I believe the child will be castrated
> shortly."
> The dark figure of Maximum Evil walked through Tristram coming
> closer. Young Steve said, "I thought you wrote all those guys out."
> "I did to," said Adult Steve. He quickly picked up his piece of
> paper and started jotting down words. He said, "It's useless. He's
> impervious to my writing. Some other author must be backing him
> somehow."
> Young Steve screeched like a little girl and said, "What're we going
> to do adult me. He'll kill us both." Then looking around he noticed
> Adult Steve had vanished.
> Maximum Evil rushed forward swinging his sword at Young Steve. An
> arm covered in Terran battle armor blocked his blow. A space marine
> stood in front of Maximum Evil. Lifting up his visor Adult Steve's face
> was revealed. He said, "COWLORD STEVE FEARS NOTHING!"

"Oh for crying out loud," muttered Adult Steve inside the CowLord armor.

> Young Steve cowered behind a building corner and watched as the two
> titans had a battle royal in Tristram square. Max swiped his sword on to
> CowLord Steve's armor, to no effect. Then he said, "I summon forth the
> power of the dark Adversary to aid me in my conquest of destruction!"
> Suddenly the sword's blade turned into a wavy cloud of darkness and
> began to pierce CowLord Steve's armor.
> CowLord Steve screamed in pain then retreated back a few steps away
> from the blade. As Max came at him he fired four missiles at point blank
> range. The missiles hit and carried Max straight in Pepin's house,
> crushing the structure as they went through. Then a huge explosion was
> heard as most of Tristram was blown out of existence.
> Young Steve ran out and said, "You did it. You did it. I'm going to
> be so gosh-darn cool when I grow up. Maybe I should call myself Lord
> Cool now in preparation."
> Adult Steve slapped Young Steve on the back of the head again. He
> said, "Shut up. I think he may still be alive."

"Will you quit hitting me?" complained Teenaged Steve. "I've had it with you!" He turned to stomp away and found himself face-to-knee with an armored behemoth.

"Oh no. Not again."

A blast of heat from the newcomer's gauntlet reduced Teenaged Steve to a pile of blackened bones.

"Continuity is served."

> As the smoke started to clear CowLord Steve saw the dark figure
> emerge from the wreckage. His armor had been split and in some cases
> destroyed, but he didn't look any worse for it. Then through the smoke
> CowLord Steve noticed that Max's helmet had been completely destroyed.
> He was expecting to see Lord Cool's face staring back at him, but he
> didn't. He said, "Rob, that you? What the hell I do to deserve this?"
>

"The unauthorized use of my fanfic characters," answered Rob.

"Look, I already explained that and apologized for it," said Steve.

"That's not good enough," snapped Rob. "This is a question of creative integrity. Maximum Evil and the rest of the characters in Unlikely Heroes are my creations. They're like my children; my friends. Nothing will prevent me from avenging their misuse. Nothing!"

"You are a threat to Continuity," the armored giant told Rob.

"And you keep that over-sized plot device away from me," warned Rob. "You know he can't do anything to me unless I allow it."

A massive blast knocked Rob off his feet.

"There goes that theory," shrugged Steve as the armored giant advanced on Rob.

Rob leaped to his feet. "I told you that you couldn't hurt me."

"Despite the threat your multiple presences pose to Continuity, it was not my intention to hurt you."

"Then what was up with the exploding lag burst?" Rob wanted to know.

"I have made modifications to your character attributes. I have doubled your stamina and your genital proportions." A Horadrim Portal opened. "On the other side of the portal is a tropical island on which a plane carrying a shipment of lingerie and plastic goods for an Iowa adult bookstore has crashed. Tragically, the only survivors of the accident were Drew Barrymore and a dozen Sports Illustrated swimsuit models on their way home from a photo shoot. For the last several days, they have had little to eat besides oysters and wild bananas."

There was a stunned silence.

"See ya!" shouted Rob, and dove through the portal.

"Continuity is served."

Steve glanced over at the charred remains of his teenaged self and then watched the Horadrim Portal close behind Rob. "That is so unfair," he complained. The temporal backlash caught up with him and dispersed him.

The last being standing in Tristram surveyed the flaming ruins for a moment and then nodded.

There was an explosion. Wave after wave of raw lag energy radiated out from the center of the blast and swept across the globe.

When it was all over, a lone armored figure floated in space.

Analysis:
Damage to this unit=0%.
Damage to Tristram=100%.
Damage to Sanctuary=100%.
Damage to Divergence, ID: StarFire-1a-a=100%.

Recommended action: Seal the remains of this timeline from the Battle Net and proceed with mission.
Additional action: Seal Divergence, ID: Rob Sex Fantasy 1a, from the Battle Net.

Continuity is served.